So why the delay?

Okay, here is what I am thinking. Well, not really thinking, I guess, more feeling. I have come to the conclusion that the reason I have avoided blogging is because I am ashamed and disappointed.

I think much of this stems from what is happening at our church and though I am excited about it, there is a part of me, I guess, that is scared by it. While we are not letting go of Biblical values that shape the church of Christ, we are letting go of many of the views that hold us in a position away from grace. Recently, on a Wednesday night, our preacher, Brian, related a story that was shared with him at the hosiptal early that week. A couple was there dealing with the slow death of the man's mother and when he asked his mother if she was confident about going to heaven, her response was "Well, that's in the Lord's hands, so we shall see." Brian then led us to the point of realization that, according to Hebrews, we should have confidence in salvation because our salvation is based soley on the grace of Christ. While I know this intellectually, there is a part of me that still holds on to the what the man's mother said. I don't know if I have done enough. Regardless of what I have done, I never feel like it is enough. Then I began looking at why I do the good works do. Is it because I feel obligated, guilted, or forced into service? Or are my good deeds response to my salvation? If I am truthful, which is very diffulct for me most of the time, I don't know the answer to that question. And that bothers me.

But what bothers me even more is the evidence that there is in my life to support an answer I don't like. It occurs to me that in the 4 1/2 years that Jason and I have been doing houseparenting, we have had little success in helping kids change. It does not seem to matter what we say or do, we are constantly fighting the battles that Satan is setting up. The only time that I really feel like we had any true success was when we were working for a non-Christian organization in California. At that time, it was almost impossible for us to attend services together and often times, Jason was not able to go at all. Instead, he would set aside an hour of quiet time while I was at church. During this time, he was purposefully sitting down and reading his Bible in front of the kids. This started a conversation with one young man, and that December, he was baptized. And during the rest of the time he was with us, he honestly chased after God. Even after he went to live with his uncle in Tennesse for a while, he was still holding fast to the Bible. I have sense lost track of him, but looking at that situation, Jason and I were both purposefully seeking Christ out of desperation for anything good and holy. I know that was a time I was living my life out of my respsonse to my salvation. When I have kids who constantly struggle with self-worth, boundaries, understanding, compassion, healing, forgiveness and grace, it occurs to me that I am probably not living my life as a response to God's grace. And that would probably also explain why I am stressed, short-tempered, unfocused, and have grown to be extremely lazy.

Since I am at a point I actually see this clearly, I am going to take steps to live in God's grace and mercy and pass that on to my girls. I don't know what that will look or feel like, but I figure it has to be better than what I am currently going through. I know God is good and faithful, all the time. It is wonderful to know that He has continued to love me through all this and I fully believe in my head and heart that He will bring glory to Himself through my stupdity and weakness.