Media Fast

I spent 48 hours avoiding TV, radio and Internet activities. I have conflicting feelings about this experience. Not having a radio didn’t really have much of an affect on me because the only time I listen to the radio is when I am in my car and even then, often times, I turn it off and either sit in silence, spend time praying or talking on the phone. I was never really tempted to turn on the radio.

I did find that having no TV was difficult because I like to loose myself in the mindless shows that I tend to watch and escape my own thoughts and feelings. I find that it is a great way to unwind, avoid stress, avoid confrontation and pass the time. I don’t really have any shows that I am so wrapped up in that I must see them or I feel like I have lost something but I really enjoy the drama, fiction, unrealistic behaviors and easy with which life tends to be led on TV. Since I really enjoy basketball, I did find it much more difficult to not watch the basketball games I really enjoy. That was probably the hardest part of disconnecting from TV for me.

The most difficult thing for me in this 48 hour media fast was disconnecting from the internet. The internet has become so much of how I stay in contact with friends and family that my time away from that source of connection had me feeling very alone and lonely. And if experience has taught me anything at all when I do reconnect on facebook, myspace and email with my friends and family, I will once again feel that way. When I have taken a break like this in past, for the most part, my absence goes unnoticed by the majority of my “friends” and goes completely unnoticed by my family members. I am preparing myself to accept this as a reality of life in general not a slight against me personally though I do know that there will be a part of me that is wounded by this fact.

I really hate feeling this way and am working towards not needing people to want or need me in their lives. As a people pleaser having people want me there, whether that is in person or on line, is important to me.

However, one thing that was made very clear to me in my times of reading and meditation during my media fast was that God wants me there in His presence, always. And when I choose to be there first the other “need”, the need for people to want or need me, is diminished greatly. I read a quote this week that stayed with me “God does not need you to complete his work. He wants you to complete his work.” I love that thought because it keeps God sovereign, all powerful and holy but still allows me to be a part of whatever God is up to at any given moment in my life and the life of those around me.

I was also convicted of my lack of conviction over my sin. There is a book called “Respectable Sin”. I have not read the book but the title alone resonates with in my soul. Most of my sin is sin that is unseen by most people and is sin that most people would shrug their shoulder at and yet it is that sin that has kept me from living life to full and enjoying the peace of Christ, the power of the Holy Spirit and the presence of God Almighty. Repeatedly, I found myself in awe of the fact that God puts up with me and my ridiculous willingness to turn my back on Him. About 24 hours into the fast, I had to send a text to find where in Scripture a particular song came from. It was Psalm 51 so I immediately located the passage

“Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.”
What a sorrowful, desperate prayer this became for me, begging God to not give up on me and continue to keep me holy in His sight. The Spirit then convinced me to read on through the passage.

“For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight; so you are right in your verdict and justified when you judge. Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.”
Wow! That was exactly how I felt. So few people really know what I actually do that is sinful and yet, always I know how much I screw it up. I wanted to cry because how could I ever think I could overcome any of this and why should I try? So, through tears, I continued reading
“Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb; you taught me wisdom in that secret place. Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice. Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity. Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Then I will teach transgressors your ways, so that sinners will turn back to you. Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God, you who are God my Savior, and my tongue will sing of your righteousness. Open my lips, Lord, and my mouth will declare your praise. You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.”

There was the answer, I can’t overcome. I don’t have try. God Himself will continue to cleanse me, wash me, not look at my sins, create purity in me, renew me, restore me, support me, and deliver me. My only responsibility in all of that is to sing of his righteousness, and He will even open my lips for that to happen.

I have been here many times, true. And I fully realize this. However in my soul, a place I choose to ignore, this feels different. Usually when I get to this place, I become disappointed in myself for allowing myself to forget this truth. This time though I think the message has made that journey from my head to my heart because this time, rather than it binding me and making me feel guilty or ashamed, I feel free.