Hard Stuff

About a week or so ago, I emailed a minister at our church, Landon, about a struggle I was having. I was asking for advice and he preferred to have the discussion in person. Landon had also been seeking out a chance to have lunch with my husband, so we decided just to have the three of us get together. This was not what I was anticipating when I emailed him. I had just wanted a nice, gentle response on email.

Our conversation began with him sharing a brief synopsis of his life the past 4 months or so. Then he turned the conversation on us. Thankfully, I didn't have to say much because my husband was able to share where we were both at. When I differed from him, I added as much as I felt like I needed to.

Landon was gently, yet challenging. God blessed him with exactly the message I needed to hear. Given, what he was saying was not what I wanted to hear by any stretch of the imagnation.

So, what is my challenge? Well, it seems to boil down to something sort of simple and yet, as Landon put it many times, is HUGE. I have to relearn to care for people in my life regardless of how they react to my caring for them. What does that look like privately and publically? In person, I continue to show honor, respect, love and concern for their situations, regardless of the feelings that well up inside of me when I see them. Pubically, to others, I resist the temptation to demand the justice and retribution I think they deserve. Privately, when I think of them, I resist the tempation to demand the justice and retribution I think they deserve and I purposefully seek and petition for their happiness, peace, joy and best for them. I don't really struggle when I am face to face with people I care for who reject me and truthfully, in prayer I am more than willing to seek what is best for them. I struggle, often, to not demand the justice and retribution I feel others deserve when I am in a public conversation.

More than that, I struggle for the feelings of comfort that demanding justice and retribution bring me. I lived, for a long time with bitterness, hate and anger. I worked, with the grace of God, for years to let go of those feelings and when I am not living with that, I feel freedom and peace. So, why is it that when I put those feeling back on, though I can feel them weighing me down, I feel comforted and "normal"?

So, this is where I am at. I am fully secure in knowing that God used Landon to challenge me today and I am extremely grateful to have a friend and a brother who is strong enough, wise enough and gentle enough to be able to say what I needed to hear. I also know that with God's grace, power and love, I will come out of this strong in my faith, in my relationship with others, in my relaitonship with God and more Christ like.