So, I get to be friends with this person, lets say that person's name is "Lee" because it is easy to spell.
Lee has a job that he loves to do. He gets to talk to people about something he loves deeply. Those conversations happen in a many ways every day of the week. Sometimes it is when he is at home and dealing with his children or being with his wife. Sometimes it is with his coworkers. Sometimes it is with people who don't have any clue why they have a desire to talk to him. Sometimes it is in a big group, other times it is in a small group. Regardless of where it is, every time I have been around Lee after he has had one or many of these conversations, I have always been blessed to be renewed due to his energy, passion and excitement about what it was he talked about. That is until recently.
Recently, I had a different experience with Lee, one that is I can't get settled in my heart. After he had one of these conversations, after sharing passionately with a group of people, I spent time with him. He was different. There was still a peace about him. There was still a look in his eyes that completely communicated his normal desire for those around him to love what he loves. And of all the people he wants that for he was with his four most favorite people (I would not be included in that count), the four people he would want that for above all other people. And yet, something was gone. He no longer had the energy, strength or gusto he normally has. I picked up on it pretty quick and it made me...well, that is why I am writing. I can't find a word for what it made me feel.
Sad is part of it. Sad because I love the passion, energy, strength, gusto with which Lee lives. And I know he loves that passion, energy, strength and gusto as well. It does something for him that nothing else can do. So to see him without that made me sad for him.
Grateful is part of it. Grateful because I now know that being in these conversations cost him more than I was previously aware. And they cost him deeply, not all the time, but sometimes and this was one of those times. And yet, on a very regular basis he is willing to fully engage in these conversations and sacrifice a part of himself solely for the thing that he loves and his desire that others love that thing as well. And I realize that I am often part of these conversations that he is willing to sacrifice himself to. How humbled I am to know that in a different way.
Uncomfortable is another part of it. Every time I am around Lee he is this energetic, all consuming ball of passion for this thing that he loves. Normal conversations with him often end up about this love and yet it never feels forced or like he has hijacked the conversation. It is natural to talk about this love with him and it is always a part of who he is so that the conversation is always good. But it is always filled with energy and passion. Until today and I didn't know what to do with that. I wanted to say something, do something, be something that would bring that back out and everything would return to my normal. He was not doing anything different or wrong, he was just living the honest life that he attempts to live all the time and for the first time in my experience with him, it included him not being energetic and passionate.
So I thought a conversation with Lee would help things. It didn't, not really. It just confirmed in me that I am so focused on my self, so focused on how I am affected by Lee, so focused on what I get from these conversations that I have missed for years how it impacts Lee, changes him, affects him.
"How selfish I have been, Father. I have participated in hundreds of conversations with my friend and yet never once considered his part in that conversation, the part of him that he was actually sacrificing to me and You to have that conversation. And how ignorant, short sided, narrow minded and selfish of me to hear the words he said to me over and over and over again and not heed those words, words I know are right, true and good. Father, I repent of that self centered attitude and humbly ask that you save me from that focus when I am in conversation with my friend, whether that conversation be personal, small group or large group. May I always know that it is costing my friend something to be in that conversation with me and may my response to his words be worthy of that sacrifice. As I say that request to you, I hear Captain Miller from Saving Private Ryan saying to Private Ryan "James earn this...earn it." And Father, remind me to pray specifically for my friend, prayers that he will not loose heart, energy, passion. Father make it so that my friend never looses the desire to have these conversations. May the sacrifice he chooses to pay not ever be more than he can handle. Keep him renewed with your love. Recharge him quickly and deeply. I know my friend does not want to ever fall into a place where this is "his burden he must carry." Instead Lord, give him the strength to hand that burden to Christ and rejoice in any suffering that comes with the sacrifice. Thank you for this experience, for not letting me comfortable with it, for making me pursue the conversation further with my friend, for hearing his heart in it, and for hearing Your conviction through it. I have no doubt this is why I had the privilege of being with him this afternoon. What an honor as always Father to be at your throne, lifting up my friend to you. Spirit, there are still words in my heart for my friend, words I cannot express and yet deeply long to and I know that you are taking those words and translating them to the King of the Universe for me. Thank you. Jesus, thank you for covering me with your blood, which allows me to be here. It is through you that I come."
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