Desire

"My only desire is to completely give myself up into the hands of God without any idea of turning back or of fear of what may happen to me." - Jeanne Guyon

I have no desire in turning back. That is not even an temptation. Life without God, life outside of the life of Christ isn't even attractive to me. It just doesn't make sense to me. However, there are two phrases in that sentence that confront me and give me pause.

The second is "without...fear of what may happen to me." Fear is, unfortunately, a natural part of my life. One that I I don't really like and yet is still there. It makes me sad when I think about how many of my reactions are based in fear. Yesterday I heard someone say "you cannot fear what you love" and yet I find myself often fearing what God has planned for me, what He is going to let me go through. That statement makes me question my love for God. But deep in my spirit, I know that I love Him. Maybe what I need to focus on loving is His plan for me even if I don't know what that looks like.

The first statement that confronts me is "My only desire..." I cannot say that. I think I want to be able to say that He is my only desire. In moments when I am engrossed in worship and adoration of Him, I can say with all sincerity, with all my heart, my soul and my mind that Him being my only desire is what I want. But in my daily life, my fleshly desires are truly different than that. I desire to always be full and never experience hunger. I desire to be comfortable in my home. I desire to be liked by others. I desire to be respected by others. I desire to be well known in my community. I desire to be smart. I desire to have nice things. The desires that I have are too many to list here and some are too personal to expose to anyone, even my journal. I hold on to the promise that as I grow in Christ, as I am transformed more into His image, that my old nature will go away and His nature will rise in me. But I also know that Satan is good at what he does and there are things that will always compete with my desire to make God the only thing I desire.